Dear Reverend Righteous

When I was a student at Grove City College I was a guest on the Sunday night college radio comedy show. Or rather, my alter ego, Reverend Righteous, “supported” the Christian college’s policies and the rules of Student Affairs office. Recently I found some scripts of those live broadcasts…

Quiet Contemplation

Dear Reverend Righteous,

The campus library is so noisy. I can’t get my studying done. To top it off people actually talk in chapel and I can’t concentrate on such deep spiritual lessons taught there like Hocus Pocus Review, and Student Government Election speeches.

Signed, Typical Grover

Dear Grover,

I can sympathize with you. The chapel programs such as Soccer 76-77, and Mr. Hagstrom’s talk on extension cords and hair dryers have been a source of continuing spiritual renewal for me and a great help in my Christian growth.

I recommend that all others coming into Chapel and the library be fitted with prayer gags. Pieces of holy cloth printed with Grove City College’s rules for personal morals. This will accomplish two purposes. First it will quiet down the library and chapel and will shove Grove City College’s morality down everyone’s throat.

I don’t take credit for this wonderful idea. They must have been used before because people have been gagging on Grove City College’s rules for a long time. 

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The Cross Eyed Bear

Dear Reverend Righteous,

Is it ture that the bigger the cross you wear the better Christian you are?

Signed, Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I say NO! The measure of a good Christian is the size of the Bible he carries and whether or not he wears a jacket and tie to Sunday lunch. 

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Conflicted

Dear Rev. Righteous,

Is it alright to shack up with your girlfriend on Saturday night, then go to church the next day?

Signed, Worried

Dear Worried,

Yes! It is alright, but ONLY if you take the girl to church with you. 

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Darkness

 Dear Rev. Righteous,

Why is Calderwood Hall so dark?

Signed, Lost

Dear Lost,

I don’t know but since those who have walked in darkness has seen a great light, the reasoning might be that by making the halls dark they are actually lighting them.

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Carded at Heaven’s Gate?

 Dear Reverend Righteous,

Is it true that St. Peter requires Chapel Cards to enter heaven?

Signed, Prepared

Dear Prepared,

No, God does not measure your religious belief by a holely card.

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God’s Frat

 Dear Reverend Righteous,

Does God want me to join a Frat? 

Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,

First, let me tell you the rumor that God is a Phi Tau is False. He received a bid, but He turned it down. (Actualy, he would have been a Nu Lamb be He kept stepping out of His clogs.)

I would advise you to join a Fratnerity and try to convert them to righteousness…Reverend Righteous that is, rates are very reasonable.

That’s all for this week, keep those chapel cards and letters coming folks!