Dear Reverend Righteous

When I was a student at Grove City College I was a guest on the Sunday night college radio comedy show. Or rather, my alter ego, Reverend Righteous, “supported” the Christian college’s policies and the rules of Student Affairs office. Recently I found some scripts of those live broadcasts…

Quiet Contemplation

Dear Reverend Righteous,

The campus library is so noisy. I can’t get my studying done. To top it off people actually talk in chapel and I can’t concentrate on such deep spiritual lessons taught there like Hocus Pocus Review, and Student Government Election speeches.

Signed, Typical Grover

Dear Grover,

I can sympathize with you. The chapel programs such as Soccer 76-77, and Mr. Hagstrom’s talk on extension cords and hair dryers have been a source of continuing spiritual renewal for me and a great help in my Christian growth.

I recommend that all others coming into Chapel and the library be fitted with prayer gags. Pieces of holy cloth printed with Grove City College’s rules for personal morals. This will accomplish two purposes. First it will quiet down the library and chapel and will shove Grove City College’s morality down everyone’s throat.

I don’t take credit for this wonderful idea. They must have been used before because people have been gagging on Grove City College’s rules for a long time. 

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The Cross Eyed Bear

Dear Reverend Righteous,

Is it ture that the bigger the cross you wear the better Christian you are?

Signed, Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I say NO! The measure of a good Christian is the size of the Bible he carries and whether or not he wears a jacket and tie to Sunday lunch. 

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Conflicted

Dear Rev. Righteous,

Is it alright to shack up with your girlfriend on Saturday night, then go to church the next day?

Signed, Worried

Dear Worried,

Yes! It is alright, but ONLY if you take the girl to church with you. 

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Darkness

 Dear Rev. Righteous,

Why is Calderwood Hall so dark?

Signed, Lost

Dear Lost,

I don’t know but since those who have walked in darkness has seen a great light, the reasoning might be that by making the halls dark they are actually lighting them.

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Carded at Heaven’s Gate?

 Dear Reverend Righteous,

Is it true that St. Peter requires Chapel Cards to enter heaven?

Signed, Prepared

Dear Prepared,

No, God does not measure your religious belief by a holely card.

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God’s Frat

 Dear Reverend Righteous,

Does God want me to join a Frat? 

Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,

First, let me tell you the rumor that God is a Phi Tau is False. He received a bid, but He turned it down. (Actualy, he would have been a Nu Lamb be He kept stepping out of His clogs.)

I would advise you to join a Fratnerity and try to convert them to righteousness…Reverend Righteous that is, rates are very reasonable.

That’s all for this week, keep those chapel cards and letters coming folks!

Reverend Righteous Rants

When I was a student at Grove City College I was a guest on the Sunday night college radio comedy show. Or rather, my alter ego, Reverend Righteous, “supported” the Christian college’s policies and the rules of Student Affairs office. Recently I found some scripts of those live broadcasts…

A Word for Our Sponsor

Say Christians, looking for good clean fast food? Visit Jesus McChrist, Land of the Gold Crosses. This week featuring Jonah and Whale Fish Patty.

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Smuggling

Friends, I have been inspired. Yes, brothers and sisters after listening to last week’s Chapel on smuggling Bibles into Russia, I, Reverend Righteous, am organizing a trip to smuggle in popcorn poppers. Although popcorn poppers are not banned in Russia, they must be registered with Soviet Affairs, (a Godless commie plot) 

Now that they have Bibles I will bring them popcorn. Anyone wishing to be a teen-aged popcorn smuggler sign-up outside GeeDuck and I’ll get in contact with you. 

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Triumph!

Yes, friends, say hallelujah, Grove City College has won over the Devil’s plans once again. The Devil caused a power failure bringing darkness to North women’s hall Friday. His satanic plan was clear. When innocent girls sign good Christian boys in for intervisitation and an evening of registered popcorn popping, the Devil, hiding in the darkness, would overcome them forcing them to hold hands before marriage! Fortuantely, this evil was forseen and innervisitation was cancelled. 

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Imponderables

Did Adam have to sign Even in on an intervisitation sheet? If so, who worked the buzzer desk?

Did God allow Adam to walk on the grass in the Garden of Eden?

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Florida = Hell

I find ignorant people here admiring the alleged “suntans” of those who went to Florida for Spring Break.

Tans are the Wrath of God! You heathens who went to Florida are lucky you were not totally consume by hellfire for your wicked deeds in Florida. Did you not see the Devil dancing at Big Daddy’s or driving his red convertiple on the strip? 

O Wicked ones, you have felt the burning of the body for your sins, will you wait until it is too late to repent and condemn your soul to eternal tanning in hell? Be warned…there is NO coppertone in Hell!

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Sunday Night Fever

Forsake the Devil’s discos. Send for my new record: Sunday Night Fever containing the complete soundtrack of evening vespers. Containing such hits as:

If I Can’t Have Jesus How Deep Is Your Faith? • Fifth of Beautitudes • Jesus Talking
More Than A Man • Night Prayer • You Should Be Praying • Disco Hellfire
I Gotta Put On My Processional Shoes • Staying Alive in the Faith

Act now and recieve a letter from Paul!

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Hell Pie

I have heard about the pie throwing in Chapel. Most of you dismiss this as a harmless prank. It is not! It is a sign of coming tribulation! The end of the world is heralded by great disasters floods, plagues, etc. but the worst of these is shaving cream pies.

Throwing pies is the work of the devil himself. It was the devil that threw the pie in chapel. In an open attempt to destory the sacredness of a slide show and turn true Grove City Christians into slaves of the devil bring the church of God to its knees by throwing these hell pies.

Punishment should be of the severest nature. Death would not be enough. This terrible person should be forced to sit through an entire week of all the Key lectures.

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Hell Lawns

Reverend Righteous has heard some gumbling about the new Tri-Fuel plant conduits wasting energy and our tuition by melting the snow off the lawns. Could Grove City College be that wasteful? NO! My brothers it is hellfire, Yes, the hellfire of the devil is hearing the lawns of GCC, God’s Country Club.

Yes, because of the nefarious deeds of the student body (such as using illegal coffeepots and Godless popcorn poppers) The Devil has chosen GCC as a priority target. 

Consider these events: the closed Chapel is NOT HEATED but the mud outside the Gee IS HEATED. Who but the EVIL ONE could have done this!

Heed my warning, Beat the devil. Pledge God this winter.